You and your spouse are splitting up. It has nothing to do with the kids. You just both have hectic careers. Your relationship suffered and fell apart. You're both happy it's over.
Be careful how you talk about the divorce process in front of the kids. Below are five things not to say.
1. "Then I have to have the kids."
You're trying to divide up your parenting time. Your spouse asks you to take them during a time you hoped he or she would have them. If you talk about the kids like an obligation, it alienates them. They feel like you don't want them. This can really hurt children who may already mistakenly think they were the reason for the split.
2. "Your mother or father is the worst."
The exact wording here depends what you're saying, but the general rule of thumb is that you don't want to verbally attack your ex. Don't insult him or her. Don't be too critical. Don't force the kids to feel like they have to take sides. No matter how you and your soon-to-be ex feel about each other, keep it to yourself.
3. "We failed."
Parents often feel like they failed when they decide to split up. They assume the marriage failed, the family failed, or they personally failed. Experts note, however, that kids don't look at it this way. Be positive about the future, rather than talking about how you have failed.
4. "Tell your mother or father..."
Parents who don't really want to talk often use children as messengers. This happens after you split up or after you get divorced. It seems easy. You don't want to speak to your significant other, the kids are going to anyway, and so you figure they might as well pass the message on. Don't do it. That puts way too much pressure on the kids and forces them to stay in the middle of your drama.
5. "Tell me what your mother or father is doing."
Don't gossip. Sure, you may want to know if your ex is seeing other people after your divorce. You may want to know how he or she is feeling. You have a lot of questions and you can't ask them directly. Again, though, you don't want to put the kids in the middle. It's not fair to them. Don't use them as a source of gossip.
If handled properly, your divorce can go smoothly. Your relationship with your kids can stay strong. You and your ex can move on with your lives. Be sure you know the best approach to take, what not to say, and what legal steps are required to make the split official.
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